Thursday, May 27, 2010
I have decided that more than ever I need summer. I always look so forward to summer. Kyle will be a senior in the fall and Will a freshman in high school and I can honestly say I'm excited for them both.
So, I will take a break from my computer for the next few days...I know I'll cheat and have to see what my favorite bloggers are writing about but I will try and not write. I will observe.
Have a great long weekend everybody!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Screwing Up Your Kids and Getting a Chuckle out of it!
May 24th was the Great Festival of the Gypsies that takes place every year on the same day in Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer, France.
Saint Sarah is the patron Saint of the Gypsies and on this day, Gypsies from all across Europe come to honor her.
It is customary to leave a note at her pagan altar--your wish, your hope, your prayer.
Since I couldn't go to this lively event I decided to light a candle to Saint Sarah and leave a prayer by the flaming light. Why I wanted to honor Saint Sarah must remain a mystery right now. But I wanted to and so I did.
The candle glowed brightly in the cut crystal glass.
First Tom walked through the door. Quickly I explained that I hadn't lit the candle to commemorate anyone's birth or death. "And nobody died," I told him.
Kyle walked in next. Again I was quick to alert him, "Don't worry, nobody died."
Will was the last to enter. He looked at me with his big green eyes (well one's green and the other's brown). "Nobody died, sweetheart. I'm just leaving a note of intention for Saint Sarah."
"But you're Jewish," he reminded me.
Than I had a funny thought.
I tend to light candles for all those people I have loved and lost, on special days like birthdays or anniversaries and, of course, the day they died. And when someone I know dies, I light a candle for them.
That's not the funny thought.
What got me chuckling is the image of one of my son's walking into a lover's home, the lovely young lass having filled the house with beautiful scented candles, looking forward to a night of love bathed in the soft glow of endless candlelight.
And then my kid's reaction--blood draining from his face, "Who died?" he'd ask his lover.
And she would know then that I had screwed-up my kids for sure.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Am I Honest and Scrappy?
I just got off the water. Doesn't that sound romantic? Well, I did. And it was. My husband and I sailed around our tiny lagoon on our $200 Sunfish. And I felt like I was a Jewish Kennedy.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Our Collective Virtual World!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Yes I Can!
Can I have a life once my children leave home?
Yes I Can!
Can I stop fearing life so much that I start living it?
Yes I Can!
Can I store my bad memories back into the recesses of my mind and embrace the good ones?
Yes I Can!
Can I start working out?
Yes I Can!
Can I embrace my children as young men and delight in their own adventures?
Yes I Can!
Can I lust for my husband?
Yes I Can!
Amen!
Can I continue to dream?
Yes I Can!
Can I stop calling myself old?
Yes I Can!
Can I start admitting that I am a writer?
Yes I Can!
Can I make things happen for myself?
Yes I Can!
Can I handle the hardships that await me?
Yes I Can!
Can I live a life filled with ups and downs as I strive for a little more peace?
Yes I Can!
Can I say no more often, free from guilt?
Yes I Can!
Can I live abroad one day soon?
Yes I Can!
Can I appreciate each and every one of you who spend the time reading my posts?
You Betcha!
Can I enjoy the day without the fear of what tomorrow brings?
Yes I Can!
Yes, you betcha, affirmative, no problemo, of course, agreed, all righty then. Yes!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Lust On My Terms!
I step out of my well worn underwear that doubles as a turtleneck. Next I undo my overused bra that is used for comfort, obviously, because it provides no support whatsoever.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Life is About Living Now!
Hardest topic for me.
This post. Memory.
One. I feel envy for all you mommy’s blogging about your life with your little children. A living, breathing, written memory for you to cherish. I can’t seem to remember much when my children were little. Little things filter through my mind. Their crooked smiles, the way they tucked their little hand in the back of my neck when I was holding them, my husband carrying them to bed when they fell fast asleep in ours. Now they have grown and I have forgotten so much.
But I will never forget how much I love them. But the look on their face when they ate their first piece of chocolate—I can’t remember. The first time they found money under their pillow from the tooth fairy—can’t remember. The first time they caught a baseball in the outfield—can’t remember.
I wish I could. I wish I had written about it.
I do remember my 17-year-old giving his 8th grade graduation speech, his sweet hug and kiss every single night, his screams of excitement when the Yankees won the pennant. I remember him climbing into his tuxedo for prom.
I remember my almost 14-year-old waving at me from a wakeboard behind a ski boat with a smile the size of Lake Tahoe, his patience and dedication as he reads my novel over and over again with so many helpful points, his smile every day as he approaches my car on his segway. I will never forget my son sailing me around the lagoon on his sunfish with the wind in our hair and the sun on our backs.
Or will I?
Two. My Mom lost her memory many years ago. MANY. And she sits in her chair without a memory or a voice suffering with Alzheimer’s.
“Does she know you?” everyone asks.
I have no idea. She senses me. Does that count?
A whole life of memories she doesn’t remember or does she?
She lost her husband and a daughter I hope she can’t remember that.
But all the other stuff. Where does it go? A whole life, filled with sweetness and light, with horror and grief. Where does it go?
I have become the memory for too many people. My mother, my father, my sister. I am a vessel filled with important memories that I can’t let die. Yet I can’t remember what my little boy said to me on his first day of school. I can’t remember the look on my little boy’s face when he took his first step. I can’t remember how they smelled after their bath.
But I remember my father dying. Clearly. And my sister sticking her tongue out at me in the hospital, angry that I was letting the doctors do awful things trying to keep her alive.
On those sleepless nights, and there are many, I want to remember the good things and not the bad. Turn off the switch of too many bad memories and let only the good ones filter through.
Why are the painful ones so vivid? It doesn’t seem fair. I can remember them in detail. Paint pictures, summon up feelings, re-create scenes.
The good memories are fading. I don’t want them to, because I need them desperately.
But life is not about memories. No. It’s about living and creating more memories.
Life is about living. Memories pull us backward, through time and space, sometimes unkindly, sometimes to help us remember and go forward freely. But life is about living. NOW.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Health and Love: What Happened to Happiness?
I am the most afraid of this topic. It is one thing that shapes my world for better and for worse.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Courage through Generations!
I am not very good at following directions, and I am equally bad at attempting anything technological, but after reading Jen and Sarah's blog www.momalom.com and the clever idea they have put into motion, called Five for Ten, I am determined to try to be a part of the conversation. Today’s topic is COURAGE. So here goes…
I have thought about courage a lot in my life, probably because I think I’m devoid of courage. Much like the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz, somewhere along the way, I lost my courage.
But then two things happened.
A wise Dutch friend of my mother told me something that made me think. Tony was his name. Sadly, he died last year. Tony was a resistance fighter in Holland during World War II. Then he moved to Los Angeles and became a nudist and an activist. I say nudist first, because I met him when I was quite young and the nudist part has been emblazoned in my memory. When we would visit Tony at his tiny beach house (really the only shack in Malibu), my Mom would give him that look that said, “Cover that thing up, old man.” And he always did.
He taught me to swim in the ocean in really rough waters. He told me to dive real deep and let the waves pass over my head. He also told me precisely what to do if I was ever caught in a rip tide. I have a healthy respect for the sea because of Tony. But it’s one thing I’m not afraid of, probably because Tony gave me information that allowed me to have a semblance of control.
But I’m wandering. What Tony told me, before he died, has stayed with me. He told me, my Grandfather, a man I never met, was the bravest man he had ever known.
This surprised me. I had heard many stories about my Jewish Grandfather and nobody ever described him as brave. Kind, yes. Compassionate, definitely. Creative and hard-working, absolutely. Devoted to his family, forever. But brave never came up.
I wish I could recall the precise words, but I can’t. But I’ll never forget the message. He said that Georg (my Grandfather) by nature was not particularly brave. In fact, he worried about everything. And he feared constantly. And then he was trapped in Holland during WWII with a big Star of David attached to his arm. And despite impossible odds, my Grandfather hid resistance fighters in his home and guns and ammunition in his attic.
What made this significant to Tony was that this man (my Grandpa) went against his nature. And against staggering odds did things that put himself and his beloved family at terrible risk. And to him this is what made Grandpa Georg the bravest man he had ever met.
My other life lesson is from my young son, handicapped with a condition called Trevor’s Disease which has made his life less than easy. He can’t move his left ankle or knee and his leg is considerably shorter. He has to wear a big shoe to walk.
I remember seeing people with huge shoes when Will was first diagnosed. I couldn’t imagine anybody having to live like that. We have been through many surgeries and none of them have been successful. One day soon, when Will stops growing, the disease is supposed to stop spreading. We are hopeful about a prosthetic knee and even an ankle some day down the road. But in the meantime, my son stuns me with his bravery.
I have his jeans made to fit over his shoe, so it makes it a bit more difficult to see the huge shoe hiding under his pants leg. But Will doesn’t seem to mind the stares and comments. Summer is rolling around and that means shorts. He couldn’t care less. He wears his shorts and doesn’t seem to mind the curiosity of others.
He fights like a real lion in everything he does, from fencing to wakeboarding to skiing. But the real test of his manhood and his bravery is the way he handles his challenges. Head on! He doesn’t even blink.
The bravest thing I’ve ever done is given birth to a very brave boy. He must get it from his brave great Grandfather, Georg.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Happy Mother's Day
Monday, May 3, 2010
Numb and Lonely
Sunday, May 2, 2010
HE DID IT!
Resilience 101
My young son is a fighter. He has guts and resilience. More than his old mother. Right now he is fencing against eight other great fencers to be one of the few selected to go to Nationals in Atlanta this summer.