Someone Socked Me in the Stomach

I can't believe I wrote this two years ago. These are not new feelings I am having. Kyle just left, in my car, to pick up In 'n Out and take it his friends house 20 minutes away. Yes he is driving. And no, I will not relax until I know he is there safe and sound. I am no more ready for Kyle to leave home than I was two years ago. Are my friends telling me the truth?

September 14, 2007

Today was yet another day filled with errands. What fun! It is amazing how I can fill up my life with bullshit errands. The reality of the matter is that I could do these errands in less than a half hour if I was working full time. But mindless busy work seems to fill up the space you have. There must be some physics principle to this phenomenon. I must remember to e-mail one of my kids science teachers and ask them about this.

I had to go back to the super market today. I really do try to go as infrequently as possible but some weeks I end up going every day. Today I was delighted to see all the babies out with their moms or dads. Everywhere I parked my cart was another baby to admire. And cute. No, really cute. Not I’m so glad my kids are out of that stage cute. Adorable, smiling, happy, and cute. It was delightful.

Then I went in to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to pick up a baking dish. My life is really too exciting. And there too, were moms and dads with their kids, only these kids were eighteen and buying stuff for their college dorm room.

I felt like someone socked me in the stomach.

My oldest son is fourteen and I have dreaded the day he leaves for college since BEFORE he was born. I can’t imagine not being with him every day. Wasn’t that just yesterday that I strolled him around. Now he is six foot two and independent. It took a blink of the eye for him to get from three months to fourteen years. I can’t imagine how fast time will go before he is ready to leave home.

The thought sickens me. Truly.

All my friends with older kids say that when the day comes you are ready for them to leave. I don’t believe them for a minute. I will never be ready. I will be holding on to his ankle for dear life as he tries to say good-bye.

But seeing the babies at the market with their mommies and then rushing home to be there when my pre-teen and teen-age son arrive made me think, “could I want anything more from my family than I have at this moment.” NO! Every stage has been better than the next. I remember saying that when they were babies and I still say it now. It is perfect just the way it is.

I think for a brief moment that maybe nature has a mysterious way of working. Maybe when they turn eighteen I will be ready.

Then I remember that in a year my oldest will be driving. There is no way I’ll like that stage. No way I’ll be able to put a positive spin on that! I’ll put money on it.

My only solace is in the fact that I am turning fifty now and not when he is learning to drive or going off to college. We have to take these little blessings when we get them.